I know theoretically and logically why these feelings are useless to me, but I still am experiencing them, and I need to let them out.
I have been doing alright recently, except for some weird health issues that I won't get into, but otherwise focusing on jobs and keeping busy... Except I've been neglecting social activities. When my dad mentioned that I should be "networking", and jokingly said I should stop being such a homebody, not meaning me harm, I started to cry. I couldn't bear the thought of trying to rekindle old acquaintances.
I have only had a spare few close friends in my life, and it seems they have dispersed, and moved on as I have stayed behind... I still keep up with two or three, but mostly I'm by myself, or with my family. I feel very old, like my youth is being wasted, and I see myself turning into a busybody housecleaning cooking person with nothing else in my life. I want friends, but I am so afraid. I feel I have nothing to offer them, and the light acquaintances I may have wanted at one time to continue, have always been with people out of my league.
I know this is a pity party. I'm sad. It's a rant. But really, a lot of the time I just don't love myself enough to want to inflict my person on others. I just ended a long friendship, and it turned out to be not what i thought it was, which has made me question whether I am capable of being a friend to anyone. I fear it is all my fault, for being a doormat and clinging and deluding myself into believing our friendship was something more.
I want to be happy. I try to be happy for the kids I work with, but when I come home I feel sad and empty. I'm sorry.