Today was crap. Woke up feeling like a zombie because I took HALF of a sleeping pill (there seriously has to be a happy medium between useless medication and so strong I'm drugged out of my mind). Went to work already struggling, trying to get things done and be productive despite the fog in my brain. Then I got my evaluation for the year. Mostly good except "We feel like you get too stressed out and then you don't make decisions as well." Well, yeah. That's basically been my year, guys, thanks for noticing. Needless to say, none of them know I have depression. I wanted to tell them then, more than I ever have, but I chickened out. I didn't want management thinking I'm making excuses for my behavior. And really, what am I supposed to say? Well, you see guys, some days I'm the super-employee who solves all your problems, fights all your battles, and works twice as hard as everyone else, all while maintaining a pleasant attitude and brilliant smile and some days I'm a roiling mass of pain and anxiety and numbness with an overwhelming sense of panic bubbling up from underneath that turns me into a fragile, useless wreck. I keep telling myself that maybe God is using this time in my life to teach me patience and compassion for weakness, but no matter how good that sounds in my head, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE THIS PERSON. I'm the strong one. I'm the useful one. I'm the good one. And if I can't be those things anymore, then who am I now.
Sorry, I know this is too long. I'm hoping if I vent on here, I can actually un-tense enough to get some sleep and put it behind me tomorrow. Thanks for listening, guys.