Growlithing,

Here is my opinion. I see your main issue as one centered on self-destructive impulses. You get drunk and then mentally re-abuse yourself by mentally reliving your original abuse (or something similar to it). If you have physical responses to those images, it fuels even more self-hatred, which leads you to punish yourself by cutting or thinking about sui.

1. YOU NEED TO STOP DRINKING. PERIOD. IT IS NOT HELPING. IT IS ONLYL MAKING THINGS WORSE.

2. YOU NEED TO ADDRESS YOUR ORIGINAL ABUSE. YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND ON A DEEP LEVEL THAT WHAT HAPPENED IS NOT YOUR FAULT!! YOU DO NOT NEED TO KEEP PUNISHING YOURSELF.

The only way to work through this is to find an experienced therapist who can address both of these issues.

You also must commit to the hard work of facing your feelings, opening up and talking about them, and allowing your t to lead you through the work of healing.

The only thing we can do here on PC is make suggestions and show we care. But YOU must choose to take the necessary steps to heal.

YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY IN LIFE. YOU DESERVE TO LIVE. CHOOSE TO LIVE.

Peaches