I don't know how to help you. I know how you hurt, and I've been in your place. My mother was incapable of understanding what she did to my brother and myself, but she was a narcissist...empathy did not exist in her make up...it was as foreign to her as if I'd asked her to operate a camera holding no film with the idea of making a perfect photograph.

I watched my brother struggle with his disappointment that she could never admit wrong doing, that she could never have or hold ownership of her actions, some of which were so destructive to us, it's a wonder we survived, emotionally or physically. In the end, my brother gave up. In the end, I never tried.

We, both were harmed by her, but we both emerged on the other side using different paths. We are not entirely whole and there is much bruised, but we strive to be better people, and to understand her, even as she never could or would, us. Because, in order to find freedom and peace, it was better to accept that, sometimes, the evil has no malice--it is just what it does. And life has no hand book, nor score card, although we may wish it had.

I hope better for you than you feel now, and reassure you, it is possible. Understanding does not mean being overcome with past hurts, in order to dig out....order. There is none. Understanding is accepting that they are what they are....but they do not decide what you are. Only you can do that.

It is a necessity to moving on. It's what moving on offers....you simply have to accept that the path may not be strewn with promises, but will eventually, be fragrant with promise.

Keep well *hugs*