ok, I thought I would survive but I'm not ready to stop therapy yet. I've been up since 4:30 am and realize I'm stopping too early. I realize we haven't done any real therapy. We've only been trying to stabilize me so I can actually function enough to do real therapy. So, I finally feel stable and ready to grieve and heal and my T pulls the plug. Can someone grieve and heal in six weeks? I'm not going to go on a tirade about this here, except to say I am now f--king pissed off.

I sent my T an email at 6am (I only email his office) about all my thoughts and emotions about this (I'm sure he was expecting it). It's late afternoon and he hasn't got back to me. I had very bad separation anxiety with him especially after I just got out of the hospital. It was very painful, but I managed to trust him enough to be okay between visits and trust him enough to open up with some very heavy s--t. He knows all of this. We talked about a number of times and he still want to end it.

I decided I won't be doing CSA therapy at the other clinic. The wait list is 3 years long! They offer some bandaid interventions, but that's all I seemed to getting already with my current T. Besides, I don't want to dig up anymore s--t about the CSA and there's no reason why I have to. Just realizing it happened at all is more than I can cope with.

I don't want to see this guy forever. I know the day is going to come when I'll be ready to leave, but now is not the time. The decision to end therapy was his not mine, and I'm not ready.