I've been a bit depressed lately and I feel so worthless that suicidal thoughts do creep up more than I'd like to. I try to keep them in check but it's not always easy. Yesterday during group I disclosed more than usual and afterwards T pulled me aside, asked if we had a session scheduled soon and when I said end of next week, she asked if I was sure I would be ok until then. So I guess she was a bit concerned as she rarely double checks on me like this.

Anyway today I was thinking about asking her when I next see her how she thinks my suicide would affect my best friends 2 and 3 year-old daughters. I'm pretty close to those kids and would like to know how much this would hurt them to give me more strength to fight. But I worry she may think I'm seriously considering going through with it and be even more concerned. I don't want to worry anyone, I'm fighting more than ever even though I'm tired of doing so. All I want is some good reasons to fight as I don't feel worth doing it for myself...