SecretGarden, I used to cut when I was a teen, for about 5 years. It was a very successful coping mechanism for me to deal with extreme emotional pain. I hid it from everyone.

I have never told my T about it as it is from my teen years, and I am well past those, and don't do it anymore. When I moved away from home at age 17, I left behind the source of my emotional pain and so had no use any longer for cutting. I think I only did it a couple of times after leaving home to help me deal with a boyfriend who kept trying to commit suicide.

The actual pain of the cutting felt good to me, like I could really feel it, whereas I was not allowing myself to feel my emotional pain. It was just a huge release to cut and let all of that pain out. I also liked seeing the blood, but I think the pain itself was very important too. I got a real rush. I also had rituals of sorts. I liked a certain kind of a knife, which caused a different sort of pain to me than did a razor. I didn't like cutting myself with razors. I would take out my knife and always flame it slowly in a match or candle flame to sterilize it. The tension kept mounting as I did all this, and then, ahhhh, release. When I turned 18, I bought a really sharp hunting knife (minors couldn't buy them), and I used to really enjoy this knife, just taking it out and fingering it, and looking at it, even though mostly by then I was beyond cutting. I never cut myself enough to require medical attention except for once, when my hand slipped and I really gashed my opposite hand. I had to go to the ER and have it stitched up.

I look back on my cutting as a teen and actually see it as a really successful coping mechanism (not trying to be encouraging here). I had never ever heard of anyone who cut themselves back then, I thought I made it up myself. About 15 years after this, I read an article in Time magazine about cutters and remember feeling so disappointed that I wasn't as original as I had thought I was. As I matured, I left cutting behind. But at the time, it worked for me, and didn't really hurt me, except for some scars and that one trip to the ER. I think if I had been in therapy while cutting, I would have liked to have worked on the root of my SI, that is, what is causing my emotional pain, rather than just dealing with the symptoms (cutting).

SG, I am overweight and have gained a lot of weight in the past 5 years as I have become more and more unhappy in my marriage. I think my fat helps place a barrier between me and my husband, and also it is the reservoir of my anger. I have never connected my getting fat to SI. I don't get any release from gaining weight or eating like I did with cutting. I do think fat people are looked down upon by many. I definitely notice a difference in the way people look at and treat me now that I am overweight. Sometimes people just glance away and don't really see me. I never felt this way when I was thin. When I see a person who is overweight, I identify with them and think, "wow they must be unhappy", because I am.