Ok, here it goes....

I am not at all interested in seeing the blood. In fact, I bandage it as soon as I do it. It's all about the act for me. And I do it for different reasons. If I am really angry I might do it really fast. If I am agitated, I do it slow. In my agitation, there is a great deal of emotional build up, a pressure. I literally feel swollen.... I do it to release that pressure. Sometimes I do the burns with a cigarette. A couple times with an iron. Sick. I know.

It took me awhile to talk about this with T. Then I would tell him when I did it, but we wouldn't talk about it. I wasn't ready, and he knew that. He never pushes the issue. In the last 2 session, we have started to discuss it in detail.

I was projecting my own feelings, plus the (non) responses of others onto T. I would insist that he didn't want to talk about it-- get pissed at him about that. Insist that he was uncomfortable discussing it. Then I realized that it was me. And it was everyone in my past and my present. No one has ever wanted to help me with this-- not family members, not friends, not even my husband. No one feels comfortable talking about it. When I lived at home with my parents years ago, my mom knew I was doing it upstairs in my room... but she would never take the action to help me.... to ask me to come be with her.... so maybe I wouldn't do it that night. She was too addicted to the internet to care. I told T about my fantasy of telling my husband that I still SI (he knows, he can see it) and he holds me and tells me it's going to be okay. T and I both know this is not going to happen... T says that when I am with him in session he can give me that connection and understanding about my SI that I have not and cannot get anywhere else.

I have no desire to stop. I only have a desire to think a bit before I do it so that it isn't easily visible. T does not try to get me to stop. He isn't like that. Sometimes I get mad at him and I tell him he doesn't f***ing care, that he's like everyone else. I need that. I need to get mad. And I understand what he's there for and what he's trying to do.

Sometimes I SI just for the simple fact that I noticed that I haven't SI'ed in awhile. I do things to 'stir up' my life-- I told T that I need to do things to ensure that I'm still f***ed up. Because otherwise I feel disconnected.... because being f***ed up is all I know. I would lose myself if I wasn't. I'm just not ready yet.