... i feel like an idiot. he stressed to me 1000 times that i could call. tomorrow will be hard... knowing i could have seen him, had my schedule not changed. he told me i could call if i found something in the book i want to tell him about... feels strange. i joked with him that when i find something in the book that strikes me, i would call him so he can highlight that part and be prepared to discuss it on friday. feels like i should be in crisis to call him, but i really just wanna hear his voice. i seriously want to call and just be like, "hi. what's up?" knowing me, i'll do something stupid to evoke crisis just for a reason to call. can't do that. manipulative behavior is unique in its difficulty to control because of the awareness. it's calculated, but still not entirely conscious. i know it's wrong. but i still do it.