I started the Wellbutrin about two weeks ago and so far nothing. No break in the depression. In fact it's gotten worse if anything. Now the suicidal thoughts are slowly seeping in...what if...what if? Though I never could. I am currently laying in bed and have been since 9:30am. I called out of work for the third time in a month, knowing that I will be reprimanded but not being able to get myself together enough to face it. I took my son to preschool to keep his routine intact and then I went out shopping, waiting for my mom to leave for work so I don't have to explain why I'm not going. I know she would see through any lie I could cook up and I don't have the energy to assuage her concerns. Which at this point are perfectly valid.

Had a long talk with my husband last night. I love him dearly and I think he is right. He told me I need to pull myself out of this. That I'm not doing enough to try to get out myself. He said I need to try harder to get out of this on my own. Maybe he is right. I think I'm keeping myself down so I can get my way. I want to be put on medical leave from work. That or I want to drop the class I'm taking. Doing both is too overwhelming. I guarantee that's what is causing this depression to linger and ebb and flow. I'm not trying hard enough to get out of this depression on my own. I don't think anything else is going to help me.

I have a pdoc appointment tonight but I'm not sure what else can be done. If I could financially afford it I would take time off work and get ECT again. It worked so well last time. But it came at a terrible cost to my memory. I don't know if I could work after ECT. I have to be able to work.

I just hate the pain. My chest is crushing me. I feel so useless. My husband said he misses who I used to be even though he still loves me now. I miss who I used to be too.

How can I climb out of this hole myself? Medication isn't working so I must do it alone. How can I do that? Give me suggestions please. I can't live like this but I can't kill myself. Help me. I've forgotten any coping skills I used to have because I'm just so tired.