Quote:
Originally Posted by MotownJohnny
That everyone is against you, hates you, that Karma or God or the Universe or whatever kicks you when you are down, wants you to suffer, wants you miserable.
Then what?
I'm gonna ask the same question here I asked in the Other Mental Health forum, just a little more broadly.
How do you go on? How do you face life knowing that you are so unhappy? Especially if it doesn't seem fair? If you feel you didn't do anything to deserve it?
If it hurts so bad that a day doesn't go by when you don't think about suicide. It is both pragmatic, I worry about stigma, discrimination, and personal, I feel such a deep sense of shame. Some of it is real, some of it I know is amplified a million fold in my doomsday mind, where I always go to the worst case scenario.
I just need to know how you go on, how you feel good about yourself, when society tells you that you are now scary, different, whatever. Fact is, people DO look down on mental illness in a way they don't on physical illness.
How????????????
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Hello Johnny: As you may know by now, I can relate to everything you've written here. I hate myself, I hate everything I've done in my life as well as everything I haven't done. I hate what people have done to me in my life. And I hate what I have done to others in turn. Every day I "pray" for death. Sometimes every hour. The only good thing about my life is, at this point, I'm old enough to be considered retired. So I no longer need to hold down a job & I can hide behind my "senior" status, which I do.
The Buddhist nun: Pema Chödrön, teaches that someone can feel they are the worst person in the history of the world. That's a great place to start. Lots of messy, juicy stuff to work with (the Buddhist "Lojong" teachings.) So how I go on is to work on accepting those feelings of self-hatred. As my "signature" statement below says: I work to accept my demons with compassion. I've tried to hit my delete button, in one way or another, multiple times. If I didn't have the Lojong teachings, I'm quite certain I either would have already tried again or soon would.
Of course, I realize not everyone is going to want to pursue the Lojong teachings (although they certainly could.) But I think anyone who harbors the sort of deep self-hatred I carry must find something to hold onto. To simply live day-in & day-out hating oneself & praying for death is not tolerable.
