Im so sorry yr struggling so much right now...I would get into a dbt group. It did wonders for me. Not sure if you've heard of it. It stands for dialectical behavior therapy. There is no easy way out of this. Therapy and mindfulness can surely help but you need to get on the right med combo...what yr on isn't doing the job. You can't expect yrself to be able to pull out of this. Please don't be so hard on yrself. I don't agree with yr husband at all...sorry for that. Take good care of yrself and relax. You deserve it