Phil,

I don't think that anyone hates you. But it really does rub everyone the wrong way when they get accused of not caring because they haven't responded to you yet and it's been less than an hour since you posted. I know that doesn't make me want to respond. I would be happy to help you if you asked nicely though. I do know that anxiety rises if you don't get answers right away. When I post something that I really need feedback on (that's pretty much anything that is personal), it's hard not to keep checking every minute or so to see if anyone has said anything yet, and it is disappointing when they haven't. But all of us go through that. Sometimes there just isn't anyone online right then who has a good answer for you. It's best to find something else to do for a while, and check back later.

You sound very angry, and you want answers right now. I also sense that you are looking for an excuse not to do anything productive with your life. Well, mental health professionals are there to help you make the most out of your life, regardless of which disorder you meet criteria for. Especially when you are still young, they will be reluctant to give you a diagnosis that might limit you. You are still developing, and you still have the chance to learn to manage your symptoms, and be able to do the things in life that are important to you. Professionals want to give you the best chance you can get. One thing that might help would be for you to meet (and also read about) people who have those more serious diagnoses and have accomplished great things, like John Nash. There is no reason that you can't be one of those people, but it would be so much easier if you have a therapist, or a mentor, or someone who can teach you how to manage your symptoms and encourage you to try things and find your best place in life.

I don't know if you have read about my brother. He had schizophrenia, and he died last month (it was suicide). I read some of his journals, and I was so sad because his was a wasted life. People thought that he was just lazy, or that he was too sick to do things. But he could have done the things that he wanted to do, and he did want to do things. He wanted to get an education (he was always intelligent but dropped out of high school due to his illness), and he wanted to work. He was interested in languages and art and graphic design and genealogy, and he had a lot of talent in those areas. There was no reason that he couldn't have done something meaningful with that. But when he said that he wanted to try, they increased his medication until he didn't feel like it anymore. I am so mad that they did that to him, I could spit nails. It cost him his life. He felt worthless, and he even started to believe that he was lazy, and maybe he acted the part. People tend to live up to negative expectations. I guess it's easier than reaching beyond them and doing what you are really capable of.

It's late and it's dark here, and I can't turn on the light right now, but the last psychologist who evaluated my brother made some recommendations, and when I read them I thought that would have been very helpful if someone had started back when he was 13 or so. I'll post those for you, but it might be tomorrow night before I can. I have to go to work early in the morning, and it will be a long day. We'll see, and I'll try to work it in earlier if I can.

What I hope that you get from this is that it would be tragic if you used your diagnosis (whatever it is) as an excuse not to live your life to the fullest extent that you can. I hope that you will make goals (they can be small for now) about things that you would like to do with your life, and don't let anything stop you. That matters so much more than your diagnosis does. Take your medicine and get therapy and work hard at it, but pay more attention to what you can do than what you think you can't or might not be able to do. Do what you can, and push yourself, and be great at something that means something to you.

Rap