Jaybird, I love you. Just sayin'.

I will admit when I first started seeing her, I was curious if she had kids. If she was married. If she could truly related to some of the issues I brought up. Yes, and yes, and that's enough. She's since told me how her daughter's teenage years are an amazing time for her (T), how her daughter is her favorite traveling companion (around the world), how she is trying to talk her daughter into letting her make breakfast for her in the morning, and how now her daughter eats breakfast in the morning. Needing to pick her up from school was the latest. I get that. I'm a parent too. I know how freaked out I got about being on time (if not early) in picking my elementary age kid up from school. Nothing got in the way of that.

ABSOSTINKINLUTELY should her daughter and family come first. I am just her job. I am not a loved one, nor will I ever be. She's been concerned I have thoughts of quitting therapy. Why? Because it's getting too hard. I assured her I'm not to that point, yet would talk to her about it before hand. If I ask her a question about her she will usually answer (she has dog treats in her office, she allows patients to bring their dogs if they wish. So I asked her if she had one, a quick answer, then onto another subject.)

I felt very vulnerable and abandoned at that point, yes, made worse by the fact that she's been unable to get me to cry in therapy until recently, because I flat out told her I hated crying, and it made me feel....alone and vulnerable. That's probably why she gave me a minute of support in teh parking lot.... she knew how I felt, and here I was, being sent off feeling that way. She thinks I shut myself off and am ashamed when I sit sideways on the couch... but I think I will start so I can keep an eye on the time myself. Of course, i've considered asking that the topic that is causing the worst pain right now not be brought up. My sleep is haunted and I shake all day long. People at work notice my shaking. I can barely do my job. My doc is giving me Xanax.... we'll give it a shot. I woke up three times last night shaking so bad my whole bed was shaking. This particular topic is very hard on me, it was a traumatic event in my life that causes me a great deal of guilt. I thought about canceling my session tomorrow but it's too late now. I have to do it 24 hours in advance. I'm going to go in there, but I'm going to make it MY job to start watching the clock (because time flies in there) and not talk about things that upset me greatly too close to the end. It will be my survival tactic. It's unlike her not to respond to an Email....I know she felt bad, or she wouldn' thave sent me the Email to begin with, apologizing. I do appreciate that.

I'm nervous about tomorrow's session.... I'm sure my last session will be brought up, and if not, I have to come up with the nerve to bring it up myself. I'm feeling anxious about going to see her....I don't WANT to see her right now. Bringing this stuff to the surface hurts so darn much, and my perspective gets out of whack also.

BTW, I would NEVER ask to stay longer than my session time. I never have, asked, and I would never expect it. My only wish here is that she hadn't brought up such a sensitive topic near the end of my session. Leaving me in a heap of tears in my car....feeling abandoned, alone, and so hopeless and sad. That's MY problem to deal with, yes, but she knew how I felt about crying....and I think she should not have allowed this to happen. This is exactly WHY I told her I didn't let myself cry in therapy. Well, I will do my best not to shed another tear. Even if it means changing the subject. I have a lot of issues (don't we all) and I appreciate all of your replies.

But to reiterate, of course her family, her daughter, comes before ANYTHING else in her life. As it should. Many of us were not brought up that way....so it's a lonely feeling, even as an adult....to see what we missed and know we were robbed of ever experiencing that kind of love and joy. The one person who loved me, and saved me, is as good as dead now.....(classified as a vegetable,) so not only did I NOT have the love growing up, when someone stepped in and taught me how to love and be loved, then eventually was taken away....that was yet another loss. This is the topic at hand right now, because still, almost two decades later, I never did deal with it. Getting a little personal here......

In her defense though, I will say she's a GREAT T, and I would recommend her to anyone. Perhaps I should take some of the blame for not watching for myself, or keeping my emotions in check, but I never want it to seem rude that I turn over to look at the clock....but from now on, that may be what I have to focus on.