I hope to see my therapist. I'm really sick of everything, I can't keep this face up.

I'm going crazy, do I have nothing to live for other than getting laid and just wasting my time wanting an adventure that won't happen. I am sick of being stuck in my own head and reality, feeling like ****. Feeling like I am not getting anything out of life, why does hard work is so encouraged, but under appreciated. I should just ****ing stop bothering with everyone. I just want to run away from home take a car and get out of society. I won't carry a cell phone nothing except a knife and living off the land. I hate people, I hate being a guy. I hate interaction and expected to do so much exhausting ****. I am sick of people just starting so much ****, get all the support in the world. I'm messed up as you get, I am depressed, because people are boring they piss me off I feel I don't belong here.

I just want a vagina a hot lesbian gf and my life full of adventure, but deep down. I'm stuck in this fantasy that isn't real. I hate being what everyone expects me to be, I tell them to piss off, I am so sick of girls expecting me to go out my way as a guy. I hate this society and it's superficiality and lack of convenient anything. Like WTF??!?!?! I don't know how anyone can cope being alive, I have no patience. I'm fed up of being alive working hard to die young and poor. Does even wanting anything matter to me or to anyone?

I am not going to be happy rich or poor, having lots of sex or not. Exist or not, I don't what to do what to think. I'm not even suicidal, I don't even care. At this point, I have hit a lower point than wanting to die, I just want to die slowly and miserable. It's probably a normal human reaction to a lot of life trauma and stress, I'm so sick of it. I hate forcing myself to suck it up and kissing so much ***. I am not like that, but I have to just get nice things.

I don't want even want this body it's going to waste. My confidence was not here altogether, I have no self confidence being a male. As a woman, it would sky rocket, I am not afraid what other people think of me. I'm going mad, because people are insane by being so keen on magnifying hell for others, because people don't have a heart.

All I care about is being alone, girls are the least of my worry, but why do I want to be close to a female, why do I want sex all the time other than being a horny young adult. Why do I even bother worrying about this **** when rationally I don't care. I'm unhappy even with life success. It's not fixing my problems, if I got famous it will blow up in my face and I'll die publicly because all these people after I would die would be confused why I did it after it's too late. When I made it obvious for so many years, I am miserable, because I am alone I am used to it, I hate being me. I hate my looks, I hate my life I hate the girls I attract. I hate everything that I did or didn't appreciate. It just doesn't make sense why is this even matter. Why people even care, I don't belong on this planet, because I don't care. Not indifferent to life, but I don't care what people consider so important.

I don't know what to feel, I am done. It feels like, nothing is getting better. Despite my efforts and I'm just waiting for something to happen or my body dies naturally so no one can make an issue. I'm afraid of telling these thoughts, because people are so ****ing quick to call the cops or hospital people. I don't want it, it will aggravate me and make me want to do that to avoid the hospital. I'm not depressed and then again I am. I don't want to die now, I want to die slowly in a masochistic way, because the lack of appreciation of the people in my life show.