******* TW FOR RAPE/SA/Sex***********

I saw t today and will most likely see him on Friday as well. It was good/intense session and I am hoping that I can share a bit of the insight today and see if anybody else has heard something similar.. This is about abuse, but I just don't feel comfortable posting anywhere else right now.

We spent a lot of time talking about my issues with sexuality,sex, faithfulness in marriage etc. the fact that I currently and always have found women attractive is something that I have come to terms with. Unfourtantley my Christian upbringing has taught me this is wrong and therefore I found a boy who was semi safe and wanted me. So, we got married when I was 19 because again that is what I was supposed to do.

As these feelings for women have come up over the years I have tried to ignore them.. I met somebody 3 years into my marriage a woman who I connected with. Since her, I have always been looking around and engaged in some inappropriate things, but nothing all out sex. T and I were talking about how all of those things made me feel ( making clear Not the attraction to women part) the acting out of those feelings part. And I makes me feel so disgusting, icky, like I am a bad person. Only because I am a married woman.. And I shouldn't be doing those things. If I were no longer married I don't think I would feel disgusting.

Anyways, so t asked why do you continue to seek these things out if they make you feel so bad? And I said I wasn't sure.. He suggested that in a way I maybe acting out the abuse in this manner... Doing things that make me feel so disgusting like the abuse did. And I was like, wow... That does seem like it fits. But wth would I do that? I suppose, it's subconscious.. But I have been stuck on this all day. Do people who abused frequently do this? Find something that makes them feel the abuse again? What do you all think?