Quote:
Originally Posted by SnakeCharmer
My daughter once refused to speak to me for six months and I didn't know why. I didn't know what I did to offend her and she was definitely very angry at me. Finally, one of her friends told me and it was ... well, it was a simmering issue related to personality differences.
It didn't matter if I was right or wrong or if I did or didn't do things as she remembered them. What mattered is she was feeling hurt and angry and really wanted an acknowledgment from me that I had made mistakes. Which, of course, I had. Every mother makes mistakes even when she's trying really hard to do the right thing. Sometimes life is just overwhelming and it's impossible to give the right thing at the right moment. Sometimes s**t happens and it's impossible to keep everyone safe from the s**t storm.
But it wasn't impossible for me to swallow my pride and to tell my daughter that I was sorry for all the things I had done wrong and that I would try to do better in the future. Nowhere in my apology did I mention any of the things she may have done wrong. She made mistakes. Everyone does. But I didn't mention them or try to correct her or get an apology in return.
She talked and I listened and didn't correct her on anything. Over a period of several months she changed her own behaviors, the ones that were alarming.
Sometimes children slam doors on us because they feel hurt or oppressed or unheard. If we want that door to open again, it's our job to swallow our pride and make walking back through that door look like an attractive option.
I felt lost when my daughter was actively rejecting me. Really lost and hurt. Swallowing my pride and letting her know how sorry I was that she was hurting and that I'd done things that had hurt her brought her back home.
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Once again you have the insight. I am not sure who I am anymore because everything I have done to raise my clan has been with love and with the best intentions. Of course I have made many mistakes through the years. My older children are quick to point out my flaws and voice their opinions, how they are smarter and wiser than their parents. Yet, my daughter who is away never did. She was always passive and go with the flow kind of girl. She is kind, beautiful, generous of spirit and compassionate towards others. She also has had difficult times with close relationships because ( now I think) she is afraid of conflict ;afraid to disappoint and not willing to stand up to her opinions. I know this is very much a maturity aspect and a process of growing up. I do believe she needs to feel love and acceptance through and through from her family.
I believe you are correct and there most likely a personality difference between us. I also believe this has been simmering because in her good bye note- I am starting a new life, thanks for everything- she stated she believed that leaving was the best idea even though she knew she would upset everyone. I don't think she was willing to face and fight for her feelings. I honestly never knew she was thinking she needed to leave. I really thought she was happy. you know- like most teenagers! moody sometimes.. not all the time.
With the outside influence of the coach a plan was made and my daughter found her freedom.
As I said we involved the police. They have sided with my adult 18 year old and have asked us not to contact our daughter until she allows us. Complete control for her. We have not communicated with her in two weeks because our daughter was advised (by who?) that she can put an order of protection against us. Today the police contacted her and explained that we have a case against the coach. For now the case will sit for future use, if necessary.
Interestingly enough our daughter started to speak with her Aunt through, Face Book, right after the police left. So now my family, my husband, children and myself wait for my daughter to reach out. We cannot communicate with her. Before this started I did apologize over and over again for anything and everything I could remember. I never said anything negative or hurtful. I said I miss her and want to support her in any way. I said we need her in our family. I just want to share in her life story.
Yes my daughter is hurt and angry, I believe she doesn't feel heard. I am afraid she is lonely because being lonely is one of the worst feelings. I will read and reread your post. I believe you are correct in saying to just listen. Say not a word. It is really the relationship I want. I want my daughter in my life!!!!!!!!!
I am depressed and I am trying. Basically I am supported but my husband is having a hard time with me. He wants to plan ahead ..I want to sit, He wants to socialize, I panic when the sun goes down. I shake, cry and become anxious without warning. I am exhausted. Yet I have to wait.. I am trying I still feel guilt.