I have been married for 20 years this October. I love the man beyond words. But at times I can't stand him and today the word hate crossed my mind several times.

I try to be patient with him, I try to understand the chronic pain he is in, and that he has BPD and PTSD and that I somehow need to respond in a way that doesn't trigger him...

But some days are so hard! One minute he loves me, the next I am the cause of all his problems... then the next minute he wants to hold me and tell me he loves me, just to start yelling at me the next. It hurts... I don't think love should hurt... but that is all I have ever known.. love hurts... it's just part of love

Today was especially awful. He gets issues with abandonment. I tell him where I will be and when I will be home. I travel for work and told him which towns I would be in, what times etc... he started getting agitated with me and started yelling... was angry because I asked him to finish the fence for the new horse that is coming on Saturday (he was suppose to be working on the fence since June)... He starts accusing me of a bunch of stuff, so I tell him, I understand how he feels and I will just get a friend to do it... that made him angry and he said he would do it.... well I had to go to work.
Later that day, when I am about 2 hours from home, I get a text and he states, I hope you enjoy your new horse. Then 10 minutes later he sends me a picture of him with a huge swollen black eye... said he hit it with the pry bar trying to put the fence in for the horse.
I try and try to call him. he won't answer (part of the game he plays) I can't get home. I am worried about him. I text him back and tell him to please answer the phone I am worried about him. He answers the phone tells me he is fine and he took pain pills and is going to finish the fence. This is all a game to him. He knows how upset I am..... So I call my best friend, to go check on him and get some Ice packed on his eye, I call my Son to go over and help him and check on him. I change my schedule, and then cancel my appointment to go check on my new horse and head home.
I text him a few times, he is nice he thanks me for sending help and said he is relaxing.

I get home he won't talk to me, I make him dinner, he eats it, and then yells at me about how I control everything and he didn't need any help etc, etc.. starts calling me a control freak.. etc, etc....

I can't take it anymore... the games he plays.... Is it terrible of me to think that he may have hit himself in the face for attention to get me to come home? He had done other things but nothing this extreme...

I am so unhappy, I don't want to hate the man I love... I just want him to get help and I just want to love him.