I didn't know whether to post this here, or depression, or what. I settled for here because the depression is causing self-harm urges.

I love my job, but they don't pay me enough to live on (nonprofit, you know). Normally I teach at a local university on the side, but my class for fall got canceled -- meaning I'm out $500 a month -- meaning I'm doing the food pantry thing and clothes shopping at the Salvation Army because I can't afford anything else.

So, I've been looking for a new job. I get a fair number of responses to my resume, but for some reason can never close the deal.

Monday I had this really fabulous job interview. I thought it went breathtakingly well. It was a job I really wanted, was well qualified for, and thought for sure I had a really good shot at.

Today, I got the rejection letter. This means they had to mail it Wed. That means it took them 24 hrs to decide I'm not worth crap.

I feel like the world's biggest loser/reject/etc. I barely have any self-esteem, and this just bashed it out of existence. The last time I felt this bad I ended up in the hospital for a week. Conveniently, I see my pdoc tomorrow morning -- he's relentlessly cheerful and optimistic and will probably find something positive in this. All I see is unworthiness and rejection.

And, I really want to cut. I haven't in 3 months or so. Before that, it was close to a year. But once the horse is out of the barn, it's hard to corral back in, you know? It's an option again now, and I want to take it, and yet that will cause me more problems than it solves. But it doesn't stop the urge.

I guess I"ll go take my meds and go to bed and try to forget it. But there's a 24 hr drugstore nearby and I can't promise I'm not going to head for blades. And I remember how much I hated myself for giving in in May, and how many people I let down, and I don't want to do that again, but on the other hand, I just don't care -- I'm tired of jumping through other people's hoops. Hurting this bad emotionally makes me want to hurt physically, to give the emotions life.

I'd say I hate everything, but really, I just hate me.

Candy

There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed. -- Peter Sellers