I belong to a survivor community on tumblr, and usually I support every response they give to people and the way they handle things, but not this time. And it really hurts to my core.
Basically what they are saying is that I, and children who did what I did, are as bad as adult rapists and that we can't be talked about because it will be taken as us trying to coerce forgiveness from survivors.

I've experienced CSA done by my father, and CoCSA done by my best friend who was the same age as me (10) at the time. My family is basically full of abusers. Every person in my family abused and was abused, we are all products of the cycle.

And when I was 10, after my best friend digitally raped me, I thought it was normal that people live like that. I thought every father and best friend and family member was supposed to do that to others.
I have c-ptsd because of it. I experienced psychosis often around that age.
And I continued the cycle of CSA with my brother. I hate myself for it. but at the same time, it wasn't my fault. I acted out as a result of twisted sexual abuse, and my brother is only a year and a half younger than me so there was basically no age-gap power. There was no consent on either sides, technically. And he in turn acted out against me.

Each case of COCSA is different. In my case, there was no malice, no ill intentions, which can be said of most children who commit COCSA.
But I feel like I am the only person who ever experienced it because NO ONE ever talks about it. The children who commit it are demonized. People don't realize that they were CHILDREN unable to understand what happened to them, and why they did it to someone else.

The reason why I'm putting my story out here is because I'm extremely tired of being demonized. I know that every victim has a right to forgive their abuser or not.
I did not go the the community asking for forgiveness. I was asking for understanding. But I guess I went to the wrong one and I hope that me posting my story here won't be a wrong choice, either.

People need to be more understanding of CoCSA. It's hard if you haven't experienced it. Everyone has something different to say about it. But I'm tired of people thinking of me and people who were like me in the same way they do an adult rapist.
There are huge differences. I'm tired of that being ignored. I'm tired of my therapists office to literally be the only place I feel safe talking about it.

Children most, if not all, of the time literally have NO understanding of what they're doing when it comes to sexual abuse. Physical abuse they understand, because it's about power, and children are more than capable of using it in their benefit.
But sexual abuse cannot be imagined or made up in the exact same way that it can't be understood, because they aren't the age of consent and have no knowledge of sexual abuse until an adult tells them they shouldn't let anyone touch them in certain places. And even then, they don't understand that it would be sexual in any way, because sex is basically unknown to them until they are exposed to it.

The way the community responded not only angered me but erased everything about me being a CHILD VICTIM and turned it into me being an adult abuser. Which I wasn't and am not. I am still ashamed, but I still know that it wasn't my fault. Had I known and understood what I did when I was TEN, I would have stopped and told someone.
Their response also erased other victims of COCSA who posted there before, and erased a SIX YEAR OLD VICTIM and painted them as an adult abuser when they acted out.

Now, I'm not saying that people need to forgive children who do that, because it's only the victims right to do so. I'm saying that children need to stop being portrayed like they know what they're doing, and stop shoving them out of the survivor community. This is not a simple issue, at all. It's very complex, and to treat it like it's simple and saying "if you let my child abuser in this place then you're pushing me out", because when it comes to children it IS a complex issue. It's saying that a child who unknowingly acts out their abuse on another child should be put in jail and tried as an adult. It's saying that none of the sexual abuse they experienced matters.

I thought this needed to be brought into the light more, and I hope anyone feels free to talk about their experiences or discuss this.