Update: I saw new pdoc yesterday. Basically, I am more confused than ever. She recommended hospitalization, but I only see that as creating more problems later (I am self employed, so this will cost me lost billable hours, plus hosp bills). It looks like I can pretty much pick whatever meds seem the best, as long as one is a mood stabilizer, so I am leaning towards one that I won't mention because I'm sure there is someone out there that's had a bad experience with it and I don't need any more paranoia about exploding internal organs and 100 lb weight gain.

Also, I have been through this long enough to know that in the end these meds diminish quality of life. I have more problems now than when I first sought treatment some 20 years ago.

I don't know anymore. It's all a mess.