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Originally Posted by healed84
******* TW FOR RAPE/SA/Sex***********
I saw t today and will most likely see him on Friday as well. It was good/intense session and I am hoping that I can share a bit of the insight today and see if anybody else has heard something similar.. This is about abuse, but I just don't feel comfortable posting anywhere else right now.
We spent a lot of time talking about my issues with sexuality,sex, faithfulness in marriage etc. the fact that I currently and always have found women attractive is something that I have come to terms with. Unfourtantley my Christian upbringing has taught me this is wrong and therefore I found a boy who was semi safe and wanted me. So, we got married when I was 19 because again that is what I was supposed to do.
As these feelings for women have come up over the years I have tried to ignore them.. I met somebody 3 years into my marriage a woman who I connected with. Since her, I have always been looking around and engaged in some inappropriate things, but nothing all out sex. T and I were talking about how all of those things made me feel ( making clear Not the attraction to women part) the acting out of those feelings part. And I makes me feel so disgusting, icky, like I am a bad person. Only because I am a married woman.. And I shouldn't be doing those things. If I were no longer married I don't think I would feel disgusting.
Anyways, so t asked why do you continue to seek these things out if they make you feel so bad? And I said I wasn't sure.. He suggested that in a way I maybe acting out the abuse in this manner... Doing things that make me feel so disgusting like the abuse did. And I was like, wow... That does seem like it fits. But wth would I do that? I suppose, it's subconscious.. But I have been stuck on this all day. Do people who abused frequently do this? Find something that makes them feel the abuse again? What do you all think?
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I think you two might just be pathologizing normal behavior.
I think the real consequence of the abuse seems to be choosing a safe but uninteresting man to marry for security. I did the same thing at 20. I love him, but am not attracted as I am to women. Considered myself a lesbian prior. I loved that life and lifestyle, lived it too briefly, but I lost a lot of family when I disclosed the abuse, and then was kicked out of my home, and you know what, as little as I like to admit it, I was very very scared and life seemed way too unstable. I didn't want to risk more estrangement and instability, so... when I found a guy I liked who liked me too, we both needed security and we went for it. It's not a motivation I'm proud of, however, I love my husband, have found marriage healing and strengthening, and I am content knowing I've always done my best by him, been loving and honest and supportive in good times and bad, just as I promised.
I don't think acting out on your sexual impulses necessarily has anything to do with abuse- it may well just have to do with your libido. We're sexual beings and we want that interaction that turns us on, satisfies us- nothing wrong with that at all.
As you clearly say yourself- your guilt is around violating or getting close to violating the bounds of your marriage. I am in an open marriage, so though I don't dabble right now (who has time) the option is there, and this makes it easier.
I think the acting out your abuse is more likely the being married to someone safe but who you're not authentic with... but you know what, it's all okay. Nothing wrong with wanting safety. Nothing wrong with wanting a comfortable marriage.
The challenge is just to be as authentic as you can be. I think my balance right now for example is in knowing that authentic for me means both acknowledging my primary attraction is to women and leaving the door open for deeper relationships in the future while honoring my husband above all, because I value loyalty, responsibility, and have chosen to love him.