Still overcast and gloomy weather here today. I still find myself in a deep state of sadness, despair and depression. I've never struggled with these emotions of this magnitude before. My mind is in a constant state of swirl. Around and around go all of the lies and it creates new wounds.
I read somewhere today that "atleast now that it is over- there are NO NEW HURTS." I wish I could believe that or even remotely feel that way. It has been five months and I am still in the discovery phase. It seems that each day that goes by allows a new truth to surface.
How am I supposed to trust myself again after this? How could I have been so wrong for so long and believed everything he told me as opposed to what I felt was true? How do I move past what I have done? Forgive myself? That is completely out of the question at this point.
I talk to my therepist again tomorrow. She will tell me to take the focus off of him and put it back on me and what is real in my life. How do I do that when for almost three years I thought what he and I had was real. I feel so stupid.
But there again I guess that some of you will say that I deserve what I am getting.
I've lost a part of me. The part that trust and believes in the greater good. The part that wants to help people and get to know them on a human level. The trusting part. The innocence (if you will) that was there is gone. And that causes me great sadness. That I still love this man inspite of myself.
When will this ache go away? When will this constant emptiness in the pit of my stomach dull? When can I awake at night without him being my only thoughts?
I try to tell myself- that I may not have him but he doesn't have me either. I don't know why but that does make me feel a little better.