thanks to sister and secret....... i know its for the best for me to not be in touch with them right now..... especially my brother..... but also my sister has a 7 yo daughter and i feel like in avoiding my sister i'm also avoiding my niece, who is a great little kid and blameless in this. maybe i should send my niece a letter, i bet she'd love that. but then my sister'd probably feel hurt or left out or something. sigh.

seems ironic that the 2 family members who were most understanding, mom and oldest brother, are both dead now. miss them most of all but that one's unfixable.