Hi Alison,
I'm breaking my response up ....
Quote:
|
remember this is not/should not be about pointing the finger at yourself or blaming yourself for not having said "No" in those situations. They were not your fault.
|
In the last two weeks this has been extremely hard for me to remember. I'm having such a hard time remembering that it is not my fault. That any of it was not my fault.... even the stuff I didn't really blame myself for before, the stuff when I was really little.
Quote:
At the times you weren't able to say "No". It wasn't about you thinking about and misjudging the situations, it wasn't about you taking "the easy" option, it was about you not being able to say "No".
And let's face it, they weren't easy situations, were they? It's not like someone asking you to do them a favor when you haven't really got that much time/don't want to, is it?
|
The particular ones I listed in the first message of this thread, were not easy situations, correct .... but there were other ones that would fall under them asking me to do a favor when I didn't have time.... I'm not sure that's what you are talking about though. You're just talking about the sexual ones aren't you?
Quote:
You probably felt intimidated, powerless, hopeless, scared (??)...........didn't you?
And considering your past...............
|
I don't know what I felt. I guess those are probably accurate and scared maybe. I know I've always felt like I just have to do it, that's all I'm good for, is pleasing them. Whatever they want I'm supposed to do. Ugh.
I feel disgusting and dirty. I feel like a horrible person.
Quote:
And I know you'd never blame the victim of sexual harassment or rape for what happened, would you 
|
No, I wouldn't.
Quote:
Afterall you didn't say "Yes".
So you weren't able to say "No", you didn't at the time have the skills/ability to say "No" as I'm sure plenty of other people in your situation wouldn't either.
|
It is always different when it is someone else...
I'm a fricken hypocrite, you know that Alison.
Quote:
|
Well, now............you have a T to help you with those skills/that ability.........now you can begin moving on. It might not be easy, it might not be quick, but.................
|
Yeah, I know you are right here. :P
Quote:
And let's bring it back to the purpose of the homework.........your mother?
I know the task of saying "No" to her (never mind anything else/anyone else) isn't going to be easy. But perhaps when you're thinking more about yourself and putting together the effects on you you may feel a little stronger/a little more confident in saying "No" just a little bit more in time????
|
I hope you are right.
Quote:
|
And if ever you're trying to justify why you should go along with even a silent "Yes" e.g. "Well she is my mother........", "She's one of the few in my family I have contact with, so............", "Well she's had things hard, so.........." then really seeing the effects on you might offset that a little, make it clearer that you shouldn't have to......., that what she's wanting is unreasonable.
|
I always justify.....
Quote:
So try to make the goal of the assignment (whatever you want that to be) work for you, be helpful to you.
And just like Lady Lindsey said take it slow, in your own time, stop/take a break if its not feeling "safe"/triggering and get straight onto some distractions, grounding techniques, something/anything else.
|
I'm trying. I will continue to try.
Thanks.