My boyfriend and I have been together for four years, have been friends since elementary school (with some angry silences here and there enforced by me). It's a feat for me, really. Longest relationship I've ever been in.

He's getting kicked out of his apartment (not evicted, the family ythat owns the building needs the apt). He has to be out by November 1. We learned of this on Saturday. We've been talking about moving in, and saving towards it for a while, but needless to say I wasn't expecting this so soon. I was not mentally prepared.

This summer, I blew through 3/4 of my savings. I don't pay rent at home. I have no excuse, except for maybe the two weddings I was in, but still really, I have no excuse.

I don't feel ready. It's not because of the relationship, and I spend over half the week at his place anyway.

I had to move back in with my parents five years ago because I racked up credit card debt that totaled over 10 grand and I was quickly spiraling towards my alcoholic bottom, which I hit shortly after I moved back home. I feel safe there. What's more, my dad has Multiple Myeloma, and he might be getting a stem cell transplant soon, and I feel like I'm abandoning my parents. I feel horrible. And I know I'm going to be homesick. I feel like such a baby.

I've been going home and crying the past few nights over this, even dry heaving, and I'm just a giant ball of nerves all day. I can barely eat until I'm finally starving at the end of the day. I don't know why this is so hard for me. I'm 31. The first time I moved out in my 20s it was not this hard. At all. Not even close. Not even on the same level. I don't get it.

I know I should be excited to move in with my boyfriend, and it's not that I'm not, it's just that I'm terrified. This all smacked me like a ton of bricks. And I'm terrified of a lot of things, especially of ruining it for one reason or another, because I can be really, really good at that. I have to try not to be that way.

Why can't I just be excited like everyone else?