My disability and vocational rehab for my state to help me on this is willing to help me with a lot now, but it's horrible as of now. Things have been tough financially very very tough at times. It's getting somewhat better, but it's like my life is becoming much more spontaneous with a lot of crap in between. I mean yeah It makes me mad a lot, and I'm pissed deep down about everything, I just choose not to be in front of people. When I'm actually happy and relaxed when I am feeling I'm making a connection to a close friend male or female, and people I like and want to date. I like this girl now, who came over the last weekend, she made me so happy just because she is so classy. Not "Classy" as in say they are and be very trashy. No this girl is what I like exactly, she's been my good close friend online for a year, but now I'm finally able to see her more she came over last week for the first time. She was very beautiful, my height, she is the very first girl that had long hair as hers. She's different and her flaws and good sides are just the way I like. It was better in person than online. She lives an hour away, but is moving to my old neighborhood where I grew up most of my life, many years ago.

I really want this relationship to grow, because I don't want to fall in love because what everyone else does. I want to feel it exactly text book, I want to know what it's like for real not all this ******** and garbage people spew up all the time. See I can have the confidence and talk to girls no problem a lot of the times, but my main issue is intimacy and things with me. I am learning by touching someone and being comfortable. It's not that I act awkward intentionally. It makes me sad or depressed when I do be flirtatious, because it doesn't feel right as a guy, I want to be a woman doing this. At the same time, I'm sad, because I don't like doing superficial things to get to know someone for it to be fun and exciting. Professional yes, but being superficial is so awkward to anyone especially me. I just won't talk to you, not that I'm scared, I just don't want to bother and I want to be left alone I get very moody.

She came over we compared our hip bones, because I told her I was supposed to be a girl, but came out a boy with some girly parts. Including my bone structure and brain, recently after puberty my male side has dominated my female side which I am very glad it did, but after she saw mine compared to hers, she's like damn you have female hip bones. I mean if I was a skeleton and archeologists found my body next to another woman. They would think we are both girls.
I'm telling you it's crazy. I found out after I was supposed to be a twin too. You know how much happier I'd be if I had all my girl parts, looked gorgeous and had another sister identical to me. It would be like the best thing ever!