Right now this is more true than anyone knows. To separate out what I feel or believe is not possible. They and everything are colliding. The fight within my head and heart as to sorting all the lies, truth, and in-between things out is pulling me apart and fear of talking or telling is taking hold more and more. I just really do not know.

And when you don't know what you believe, what has been fear driven into you and what has been brainwashed, it makes it impossible to know and a big jumble of everything thrown into a cast iron pot ever mixing and ever bubbling, that has been for years and years. And I don't know. Fear mixes with thoughts mixes with lies mixes with truth.....and somewhere I am standing there watching it all go around and around, beginning to get more scared to say or feel anything at all.

Others may not understand or know what I am talking about, but my worlds are colliding, and all I want to do is disappear and escape it all. I don't know what to believe, and right now I cannot even figure out how to figure that out. I sometimes feel abuse just keep abusing over and over again because it can and because it is so deep seeded that it keeps sprouting up over and over again reminding me through others how wrong I am and how I am not right.

Maybe it is not important but it is important to me, important so much that I am shutting down out of fear I am doing it all wrong, or am I getting what I am to get from it all. And what that even is I have no idea myself. I only know what I know, and I cannot pretend to know more or do not even know how to . It is important that I get out not only what I fear but what was constantly drilled into my head over and over again. Until I do I fear that finding out what I believe myself is just fueling my already failing thoughts of myself. And I feel I am failing myself and everyone else.

And while I understand others are not going to understand or even get it, it is swirling around and around in my head non-stop and I feel dizzy as though I am looking up at a sky that is spinning and spinning with no intentions of stopping. Just as I feel the world is never going to stop to wait for me to catch up or find myself, and I cannot ask or expect it to, I am feeling I can no longer ask anyone to try to understand or stand by me. I have no right nor do I feel I do. I just wish I knew the words to say that would let anyone know that I am trying and that I even though my best efforts may frustrate or discourage, it is not my intention or what I am trying to do.

Maybe I should have just never reached out, never told anyone, never hoped at all. Maybe that little girls dreams should have just remained that, a little girls dreams. What they have done to me is more than I have any right to ask anyone to try to understand or to even hope for. If I ever truly allowed myself to feel what I sometimes feel is within me, I would lose my mind. But I stop myself from ever allowing anyone into that place, even myself. My only control I ever truly had was my silence. And I failed.

If it is feeling too much for me how much more it must be feeling for anyone else. And I am really so sorry with all my heart.

dps