Yeah I know if I feel that way I should certainly seek help, its just even that seems pointless. Also not sure my medicaid covers anything like that, not to mention having my life restricted frusterates me so not sure what intensive outpatient would entail. I do smoke cannabis since its pretty much the only thing I have found to actually relieve my depression for a time, at least so I can stop thinking about suicide and enjoy some small things in life like watching my cats play and it helps with that PTSD absolute exaustion I get since it actually relaxes me unlike anything else and so with outpatient I would probably still want to keep doing that unless they finally came out with a pill that is more effective then that then fine give it to me. but yeah with outpatient if I had to only depend on their meds pretty sure Id still be just as suicidal if not more since none of those have gave me relief. I have been in the psych ward a couple times when I was feeling suicidal and it helped keep me safe till I felt I wouldn't act on the urges....if I have to go again I will try to get back in that one they had really good food and the staff and what not where pretty cool didn't feel threatened in that place the first one though made me pretty uncomfortable so sort of lied about being feeling better before I did just to get out. But I hate this, why do I have to feel this way to the extent of having to go to the ER just so I don't act on something....but I try not to be down on myself about it.

And now my dad got arrested for what I think is a lot of BS but whatever, he did call me since and seemed alright and said all that would be over with when he gets out...its just that sucks on top of everything else and he's not even a person who goes about trying to hurt others or cause problems so it just makes me sad I hate our legal system they arrest and put the wrong people in jail much of the time in my opinion.