I keep getting urges to laugh at the idea of a total system collapse, or nuclear war or whatever the hell doom humans are headed towards...or no actually I already have laughed about it....hope it happens....and yeah I think it has some to do with feeling like all the odds are against me and all that which comes with PTSD....but I also think part of it is something will happen in my lifetime so my mind is trying to prepare me somewhat....almost seems if things don't collapse I'd have less to live for because if they did there would be survival and trying to fight for what is right....in this society its all about conforming and if you try to actually fight for whats right you're more likely to get arrested than change anything.

I don't even know how I keep going, but for now I am able somehow, partially just find things to try to look forward to to fight of suicidal urges with. But I am beyond exausted with ***** really don't know how much more of it I can take.