The past few months I've been having particularly bad flashbacks. It began about the time a realization hit me that was especially disturbing. I've been married to a man for 7 years this year (together 10). It's never been a good relationship. There's been lying, cheating, manipulation, verbal-psychological-physical-and sexual abuse. There have been 3 children produced during this relationship...not all willingly conceived. I have tried to end the relationship...even got out (at least in the sense of lived separately) for about 2 years, but there was always contact because of children. Ultimately, I got sucked back in.
I was severely abused from ages 7-17. I was routinely forcibly raped by my mother's husband. I've had no contact with her in 20+ years, and she is still married to that man. Not only was she aware of the abuse, but she was a participant at times. The things that happened during that time in my life are what led to my PTSD.

I only mention both these things because there is a connection.

It hit me one day a few months ago...my husband is almost an exact replica of my original abuser! Not just in his actions. His physical appearance is so much alike that they could share bloodlines. Statements he makes are almost word for word identical. They could be the same man. My husband is currently the age my abuser was when I was a child going through the abuse. Obviously, I am much older than I was at that time, but mentally it feels like I'm stuck in those years!

This is what I need help grasping: WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME THAT I WOULD (EVEN SUBCONSCIOUSLY) EVER EVER BE WITH SOMEONE THAT IS A CARBON COPY OF MY ORIGINAL ABUSER??

I just can't wrap my mind around this...