...and my walls have gone securely back into place. I was going to print out what I had written to T in response to last week's session, but our printer is acting up. I don't know if it matters anymore, because I don't have any connection to that stuff anymore. I could read it to her, but I won't be able to explain any of it unless I'm back in that triggered space (though that may happen).
I want to try to show her my art journal again, but I fear the rejection (last week, she had started flipping through it, but ended up giving it back to me so I could show her the particular pieces I had mentioned. Even though she was asking me to show her what I had wanted her to see, it felt like she wasn't actually interested. I wanted her to see the whole thing, but there were a handful of pages I really wanted to talk about. I couldn't pick out those pages after she gave it back to me because I interpreted her handing it back to me as disinterest...). It's stupidly small, but it's huge at the same time.
The other thing that gives me pause is that she used my full first name last time. She caught herself and apologized, but it made that rift feel so much bigger. The only time people use my proper name after they get to know me is if I am in trouble or if they don't believe me. It also made me feel like she really doesn't know me at all even after 3 months...
There's all sorts of negative transference with her. We need to talk about the transference, but I have so much fear around it. I want to go back and talk (even part of that is the transference - needing to please the person I'm scared of), but at the same time I want to run away (that fear). I know running away wouldn't be a good idea. I can't afford to lose the one outside support I have at the moment. I'm afraid I won't actually accomplish anything that I want to accomplish (again) in session tomorrow... It's hard enough going over the stuff I write when it's printed, forget it when I have to show her on my phone I don't know what to do with myself...