I want to say first and foremost that I really dig my PTSD/trauma survivor brethren. Besides the massive amount of empathy that I have, I just think that ye all be some remarkably smart and thoughtful people.

I find I contribute here far more sporadically than I would like. I've always before had a sense of pride about being a helpful entity in a consistent manner, a consistent presence in others' lives to whatever extent I can. But I'm struggling to be consistent in anything right now.

I just have not had the kind of control of myself I was once effortlessly accustomed to having. For decades. I forget how much of my behavior I cannot myself anymore predict, how much of my energy I cannot corral in the ways that I always always could. It still surprises me. People have always told me how amazing it was, how strong I could be in the face of my past. How great it was that I never let it change who I am, that I never became bitter towards others. But I just don't seem to have it in me anymore; not since certain more recent traumas seem to gotten me all the way to a tipping point that I didn't see coming. It's as though I was walking on absolutely solid ground for so long, and have suddenly walked off a cliff, and some other version of me is now in charge with whom I can't even get a meeting to discuss possibilities.

Perhaps ironically, I feel especially apologetic to this community, for whom I just massively have appreciation, both for what we have in common, and what we bring to each other by convening here. I feel apologetic that I'm not closer to being the more powerful version of myself that I once was. That I am so helpless. I'm still trying to navigate what will constitute new power for me, since my old power seems to be nothing but a memory to me.

I've been getting more emotional lately. I think it's positive. While it could just be the change afoot (holla), I tend to think that it has been more to do with connecting with all that is expressed here, that I manage to read and/or respond to. I find myself coming back to this forum but also wandering from it at times and again I feel guilty for not being more consistent. But my bigger emotion is appreciation, and if I'm ever like, long-winded or just act like a jerk or I don't respond it's because I'm really struggling. I'm not saying it to excuse myself; I don't excuse myself. Rather I'm wanting to somehow bridge my intent to my effect for now, in a way that I never used to have to think so hard about.

What am I saying right now?! I hope this made sense, somehow.

Thank you.