Thank you for responding, OE.

From the first time I met my husband I felt uncomfortable and intimidated. I had a stomach churning sense of disgust, but couldn't put my finger on "why". Long before he became my husband I already feared him. I voiced this to my therapist at the time, and was told I was 'projecting' onto him. T told me I could not trust my emotions because of my previous abuse. I was told to be more open minded and take risks. I've long since stopped seeing that T. I'm sure T meant well, but I don't think she really understood. Even I didn't understand. I wish more than anything now that I had gone against T's advice and RUN LIKE HELL. I'm never sure when to follow my gut, or when I'm overreacting to situations.

I am on such an emotional roller coaster right now. I'm having suicidal impulses over this realization...but I'm making a conscious effort not to react. I'm so confused about how I got myself here...and I only know one way to get out!

I just feel so lost and dusgusted with myself right now.