I was hopeless sounding like this for a long period of my life. I finally reached the critical point of knowing I was going to be dead if I didn't do something different. that's when I seriously addressed meds and therapy and it was like the magic wand I had wanted all those years had hit me over the head. my life completely changed for the better. I couldn't believe the difference. I regret not taking that route sooner. just my experience. take care