I know the title of the thread is awful, but bear with me.

I have always hated gender roles, how society expects different things of me than of my brother, how I am seen as cruel if I make selfish decisions men can get away with, how women are portrayed in popular culture (although that is often sort of ridicolous, if you can see the humour in it). I am making a long story very short now.

Anways, I suck at being a woman. Doing typically women-things. I do wear make-up, most days. But a lot of times I do it because I feel it is expected of me, that I am seen as a "slacker" if I do not. I have, with the years, learned to engage in and even partly appreciate conversations I honestly feel are quite shallow, about people's homes, their dogs, shopping, the gym, whatever. I have always been good at small-talk and am genuinely interested in people's lives and their families, but I am not so interested in deals at a random store I've never heard of or whichever new perfume has been released (I am allergic anyways).

But, even so, it feels like I am a stranger, like I am someone trying to mimic others to fit in and be accepted. I like to wear dresses and sometimes jewellry, but I have never - and never will - understood why women use so incredibly much time on their looks, manicure, pedicure, all kind of hair styling, fake tanning etc. - and they don't even do it just to impress men, as I used to think (to be quite honest I was arrogant and saw this as a sign of a weak personality, someone obsessed with pleasing others instead of being themselves), a lot of women actually LIKE it! They think it's fun!

My problem is that I have never been particularly lady-like. I say what I want, when I want. I am afraid of very few things and think it is patethic and lazy when some women don't learn basic skills, like how to change a car tyre etc. I had mostly male friends up until around puberty, when it wasn't so easy anymore as hormones effed everything up, and I also got a need to have someone to talk to who understood what I was going through.

I can watch shows like Girls or Sex in the city, and they are entertaining, but I really don't always relate too much (I guess Veronica ofVeronica Mars and Dr. Brennan of Bones are the two female characters of popular culture I relate to the most, although I am in no way a scientist and is very in touch with my emotions). Often I feel like me and other women my age are on different planets in terms of thoughts and interests. I am somewhat of a "geek" who loves board games, RPG computer games, fantasy books and so forth. I love politics and discussing politics (I have learned to tolerate that not everyone else is interested in politics, even though it still annoys and even offends me a bit, that someone can be so disinterested in the society around them). I love stuff like bungee jumping or parachuting. I don't mind getting dirty. I love camping and being outdoors, couldn't care less about my hair or nails or my looks in those situations. I want to start doing stuff like fishing a lot more than I already have. I prefer beer to wine and I love making innuendos/sexual jokes. I have, at many times throughout my life, felt like I connect more with boys or share more interests with them, but at the same time I don't always really get them either (they annoy me to no end, but that is apparently normal/ how it is supposed to be). I never flirt and I haven't been on a date for as long as I can remember. I don't laugh at a man's jokes to boost his ego if they are bad, I don't know how to smile or what to do with my hair to make a guy fall for me. Frankly I am not even that interested in getting with a guy, I want to find someone I could get drunk with, someone I could discuss books and politics with and travel with and cook with and laugh with and go fishing with and have sex with and watch silly movies with and confide in and all that jazz, in short, a best friend who is also a lover, a life companion. But I am not really all that interested in dating per se.

I was told when I was younger by a lot of adults that I had to act more like this or that, that I shouldn't play war in mid-break but instead do whatever boring and mundane thing these adults felt girls are supposed to do, I have heard I have too much testosterone, that I don't "understand" or care about girl issues (tough love on that for my part, most of the time I just tell people to get a grip if they are fussing over something pointless) etc. I have gotten better, and I guess I have also become more "female" over the years, all my best friends are now girls (although I do also have a lot of great male friends) and feel like I connect to women much more than I used to do. But I still feel like I am bad at being a woman.

Why is this a problem, you say? Well, I have started to realize that to find love, I have to act more like a woman is supposed to do. Even though I don't want a guy who expects me to be stereotypically female, I have realized it's basically impossible to appear interesting or attractive to a guy if you seem like a buddy to them (even though I DO want to be a buddy, to whomever I eventually end up with), no matter how much you feel you have in common, and that guys are attracted to women for a reason, and thus you have to act more like a "traditional woman" for a while and the rest of the stuff can come later. I have to do things that go against my integrity, such as strengthening a man's ego for no reason by laughing at his stupid jokes (I really don't think most men - or women - need bigger egos, so I prefer not boosting it unless they actually need it - or deserve it. Women, don't fake orgasms, you just boosts a man's ego undeserved!). I already like wearing dresses and jewellry and nice shoes etc., but I have never done it to seem attracting to a guy, but because I like myself in those clothes or think they're cool.

Any advice? I don't want to stop being me, but the more I see of life, the more it seems that being yourself really doesn't get you the places people claim it will. It sometimes almost angers me because I feel like I am a reasonably good-looking, cool and fun woman whom guys SHOULD like, and I have lots of male friends who like hanging out with me, but still men rarely get interested in that way, instead falling for bimbos or uninteresting women. A lot of my friends whom I think are great, strong, cool women whom I would date if I were a guy are all single. It might be that we appear too independent, guys are a sucker for feeling that people are dependent of them (again, a male ego thing, not going to play along with that), or it could be that we're not beautiful or sexy enough because we really don't care if guys like what we put on, we do it for ourselves. I don't know, it makes me a bit disappointed in men sometimes but I still have hopes I will find a person resembling what I am looking for - but realizing I probably need to make some changes to get there. Any help is appreaciated.