I survived the session yesterday, and it was quite obvious she wasn't sure if I'd cancel or not. She asked how I felt about being here. Told her I almost canceled. And that when I got here, instead of sitting in her waiting room, I sat downstairs. She said I am ALWAYS welcome to take a break if I need one.

I mentioned bringing up a topic like that so late in the session, and she didn't agree with me that it should not happen. She said it moves things out, regardless of when I'm upset. I said I didn't like the feeling of crying in my car waiting till I could see enough to drive. She said something about the fact that I keep my defenses up fairly well and don't like to cry in front of her, either, so she figured alone is better than nothing. Ok, she has a point. But I think we both see where each other is coming from. I wasn't up to talking....so there was a lot of silence, she asked questions, I answered them. She finally asked me 10 minutes before session was over if I wished to leave, or sit there together for the last 10 minutes. I said it didn't matter at this point, but that I didn't want to waste her time if she had something better to do, because I wasn't all that involved yesterday. She said if it were up to her, she'd like me to stay. I stayed. I wasn't UNCOMFORTABLE... but was just in my "I don't care" mode. She said for therapy to work, I've GOT to let my defenses down so we can work through these issues. I know that.....and that's only something I can do.

The last several minutes of the session are what really surprised me. She came over to sit on the love seat with me. She's never done that before. I was facing the clock, with her only seeing my right side, with my hair covering my face. I tried not to cry through the session and the questions she did answer, but hid myself when I did. She came over, sat right next to me and held me....rubbed my back and stroked my hair. I felt comforted, but at the same time, made me want to cry even more. My head was on her chest and I could hear her heartbeat. I focused on her heartbeat....to keep from losing it completely. Now my kid's gonna make me lose it.....so off I go.