I almost never feel truly happy anymore. I just barely remember what it feels like, because a lot of happy events in my life are very closely related to sad ones...now my normal is auto-pilot. I rot my brain with TV and movies so I don't have to think about anything. When I come up out of this pit enough to think, sometimes I find a bit of self motivation. Make myself something to eat, clean my room, walk my dog, do the dishes, look for a job. I get out of bed, finally feeling like I have a bit of purpose...but then I crawl back under the covers and try to find the numbness that I had been in. Otherwise I will scream or cry or both. Sometimes I can get something done, or at least started before I reach this point. I feel so awful because I live with my brother and I know he thinks I'm angry with him all the time, and my dogs and cats...actually they're my moms dogs, but she doesn't live with us right now...I just hate them for existing and needing so much from me. I thought I was an animal lover, but now I just feel angry and guilty because I don't want to take care of my moms pets. Sleeping is relief everyday, but I can't sleep much either.
A few days ago I actually left my house, I bought some new clothes because I've gained some weight and not much fits, I ate...I felt okay that day. But I can't go out and shop just to feel something other than sad, mad, or blah...when can happy be part of my normal too? I want to know what it feels like again to feel so happy I smile without meaning to, to smile until it makes me laugh, to laugh until my sides hurt...what do I have to do to get back there??