I was recently contacted by the T's office and offered a cancelled appointment. I hadn't requested to be on the cancellation list and I found myself quite put out about having been put on it.

I never request a place on the cancellation list, I always reject the option because I feel like there is probably someone out there who needs it more. I'm guessing they must have some sort of triage system for this kind of thing but I keep thinking that I'm not worth it. I feel like the only reason I was offered this appointment is because T hasn't worked out how worthless I am yet.

This lead me to thinking further and I've realized I am quite uncomfortable with therapy itself.

I feel like the reason I am in this pain is as punishment for being such an evil worthless person and so by attending therapy I start thinking that maybe I'm trying to get out of my punishment and end up feeling worse about myself for being too weak to take what I deserve. Then I hate myself even more for taking an appointment from someone more deserving.

Sometimes I think maybe my parents did the world a favour by abusing and ignoring me. That they were only trying to beat me into becoming a good person. That if they hadn't I would be even more horrible than I am now.

I know I self sabotage. When ever I start to feel a little good about myself I will seek out the nastiest BPD website I can just to remind myself that I'm a terrible person and that I don't deserve to be happy.

I guess what I'm getting at here is that is it possible because of the above feelings that I may be unconsciously sabotaging my therapy?

I've been in and out of therapy for 12 years and I'm still feeling like this, now I admit it (therapy) hasn't been a constant but surely I should have seen some improvement?

Maybe this is why I never seem to attach to my T's. I'm too scared they'll see the evil in me.