I'm having a rough time lately and have no idea why on earth she picked this moment to talk about termination. One month ago I had a very hard session, sort of a breakthrough. I feel worse now. It was liberating but it was the beginning to me, also because I'm having flashbacks and am not sleeping and have temperature etc.

After another 2 sessions I missed one because I was stuck in hospital due to current health issues so I had to wait for another week and it was terrible but I tried to cope and yesterday I finally went to my session. I've been looking quite cheerful lately as I really hate to complain (except on here - sorry folks!) and so I always smile and say "Im good thanks". Also, that is my safe place and even if I would like to cry and get angry there, I feel better and lighter as soon as I step into that office. Then we usually go deeper and my worries come up. Yesterday I couldn't tell her how much I had been struggling so I started with the good things and how I coped and felt really good after eating the other day and she looked really really happy, almost tearing up. And then she goes "so I wanted to talk to you, what about having one session every two weeks and see how it goes?" I said "ok" and since then I didn't understand anything anymore for the whole session. She wanted to sum up our work and how I have changed etc and was making a lot of questions about how I have improved but I was frozen and I just wanted to leave. At the end she said, see you next week and you will tell me if it's ok to distance the sessions, but I see you got upset after I mentioned this". I said "I don't know, it's up to you, I'm just tired and stressed. I am not well, my job is ending in a month and I have to find a new job and house and don't know where to go" etc. And she goes, no it's not up to me, so let's postpone this as I don't want to add on to your worries. Think about it anyway but if you don't feel ready it's ok (I pay her out of pocket so there is no insurance or limited sessions).

I couldn't really talk about anything yesterday. That messed up my long awaited session. I really can't complain so I will say once in 2 weeks is fine. But I just cried about my csa one month ago for the first time in my life and I'm not well. And I feel INCREDIBLY pressured now. I've been grieving since yesterday, I also thought about asking her for a referral but no way I am starting all over again with someone else. She was the perfect match but I have abandonment issues as well as self esteem issues and the irrational inner voice screams "she no longer wants to work with you because you are dirty and disgusting and are taking too long to get better and are a pain in the *** and are too needy!!!"
I wouldn't do it but I feel so rejected and ashamed and such a pain in the *** that I have thought about suicide the whole night.
Rationally I think she was genuine about this, she looked really happy for me. And I didn't want to switch to how bad I feel because I'm always afraid to make the bad things stand out over the good things.. and I don't want to disappoint her.

I wanted to be strong to show my progress to not to be abandoned and so I achieved the opposite. (because IF only I could have some peace without fearing sudden abandonment as soon as I turn around for every second of my life, I would make progress)

I am so desperate that I feel physically ill. Why did I let myself be so vulnerable. I can't make it through this week.
I would like to communicate this to her but I fear it's too late and it will look like I made up things now because I dont want to leave. I know "we have to leave therapy sooner or later", and I was looking forward to it, so that's not the point. But I imagined it would happen under different circumstances, definitely not now.
Sorry for this post. Any advice, should I address it or let it go? Look for someone else, grieve and wait? I don't want to go back to sessions as I see it as a waste of time and money now she wants to terminate, so it wouldn't benefit me anymore. I feel the pressure. But I also can't believe it will go this way. Any advice/opinion is really appreciated. Thanks.