Yes, you are definitely self-sabotaging. Absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt.

You are not an evil person.

You do not deserve all your pain as punishment.

Your parents did not do the world a favour by abusing you.

I think possibly what you are doing is hanging onto the idea that you deserve this misery, and don't deserve healing, because then you would have to face the grief and pain and vast unfairness of realising that your abuse was wrong. The way you're thinking now keeps the grief at arm's length, and prevents you grieving for yourself.

I am so sorry that you are in this loop at the minute.