Is it possible you are stuck in a victim identity? I do the same thing and it's really comforting. Because change is too scary. It means changing so much we are used to. I still have the thoughts you have, but the one thing I do is go to all therapy appointments. I don't know, I guess it's the easiest option for me. But remember therapy appointments are not too much to ask. It's just the T's job.
One thing my T tells me when I feel worthless like this is that I matter just because I'm alive. Sometimes that's helpful. She doesn't give heaps of reasons, just a simple one.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you're able to get away from the self-sabotaging as much as possible.