Hi jesusplay, it sounds like you're so weighed down by everything..........depression.......coping with it..........and day upon day of that hey?
And you're really wanting some sort of relief/some sort of escape which is completely understandable, and it's good that you're wanting that even but (and you know what I'm going to be saying here!! ) drugs may help very short term......but longer term, there's every chance that they're going to make things even worse if you could get you're hands on them.
You know some of the risks anyway, right??? So while it may seem worth it now just for a little relief.......down the road............
But let's hold onto that feeling that you want things to change, hey? Because that doesn't have to be bad at all.
Can you talk to a pdoc about medication/a change in medication??
Any little things you could add onto your day, even if just for an easy distraction or just something/s that "feel right/OK"??
Could you work even just a little towards bringing some more people into your life (even if you are limited on being able to be a part of any "social scenes")?
Friendships can start very gradually from really small beginnings (you don't necessarily have to "throw yourself in at the deep end"). Just don't be asking them for drugs, OK??
Anyone you can talk with/share some of what's going on for you right now, for some support??
And talk to us, of course, lots of understanding/supportive people on here too!!

Alison