I wonder how much is related to things I can't control. I've told him several times that it seems like I have brain damage. Recently, some things came up that made me realize I have some sort of mental attraction to fear and danger....I think because of the mental arousal and stimulation.

One of my 'theories' is that being so neglected by both parents, but particularly when I was an infant, changed my brain's stimulation threshold. I remember feeling dissociated and dead as a child. My mother wasn't there emotionally or physically. But when my father was around, there was yelling and anger and fear. Even though I was ignored by him too, except when he was mean to me for reminding him that I existed, it gave me some mental stimulation I suppose.

There's no mystery to me why solitary confinement is the highest level of punishment in prison.

Well I gotta go but will be back. Thanks for the conversation everybody.