I don't know why I told them. I know that it hurts them and makes them worried. Maybe it's a cry for help? Maybe I just want someone to talk to?

What frustrates me is how unfair it all seems. She has no interest in me because I have nothing to offer. I understand that, I don't like myself very much either but seeing her do better than me in life (moving abroad while I still live in the town I graduated high school) really hurts.

It's not so much that I don't want her to have a happy life (I don't mean anyone harm) it's that deep down I feel like if I keep working hard I might end up with a very mediocre life at best and that happiness is just not in the cards for me.

I think it's getting to the point where the people who know how I feel don't want anything to do with me anymore because I'm starting to sound like a broken record with my negative thoughts and feelings. I keep getting told to do something about it and that it's all up to me but that is a lie.

I'll continue to function (go to school etc) as best as I can because I don't want to end up homeless etc. but no action I can take (and I mean none) will make her want me. I was told that there are other women out there but I'm not an attractive person (looks and personality wise) and I don't want to be hurt this way again by being rejected. Plus I think being with someone cause you couldn't be with the person you really wanted to be with in the first place is a terrible thing to do as you're using someone as a "second best" solution.

Maybe it's for the best if the few friends I have keep their distance. I don't want to drag anyone down with me. If I am doing that here please go ahead and delete this thread, I don't want to be a burden to anyone already dealing with problems of their own.