So, I disappointed T last night when I texted her asking if it was ok if I took a few muscle relaxers to knock myself out hard and fast so I wouldn't feel anything for a while. This was her response this morning when she got it:

I think you should remind yourself how important you are. I can definitely observe grief and loss is difficult for you, however you have to recognize your own importance separate from others. You have come to far, don't allow yourself to take that regression.

And this is the email I sent her in response:
Hey T,

You gave me lots to think about in your text. I don't know that I don't value myself.

However, I think the intensity of the emotions between our session Friday and finding out afterwards that our neighbor passed away were such that I didn't want to feel for a bit. Hence the desire for extra muscle relaxers to knock me out a little harder and possibly faster. I know it doesn't make wanting it any better.

I guess, I haven't mastered using DBT when overwhelmed, since the pills were still reflexive last night. At least when I texted it I realized it was a bad idea and only took one. Though I probably shouldn't have taken any for that purpose but at least it was one and not many...that's progress. Before I would have taken them without talking or thinking about it more fully.

I'm confident I will get to a place where pills aren't the first thing on my mind when overwhelmed but for now I will be content with progress and HUGE progress at that.

We'll see how the rest of this module and the next go. However, given my reflexive response...I may consider an extra round of all the modules.

Thanks,
DelusionsDaily

Do you think me reflexively resorting to pills when overwhelmed is a sign I don't value myself?