hey. i'm sorry you are feeling so much pain :-( pain sucks. i feel it a lot too. it is understandable. i firmly believe that. stimulus that breaks through the stimulus barrier (exceeds our ability to cope) IS jolly painful. and it sucks. it really really sucks. i have been feeling a lot of pain over the last few weeks. feelin a little better now. but it isn't so very hard for me to get in touch with the pain.

do you ever feel (emotionally) held by your therapist? it is jolly hard... i had a lot of therapy that was focused on change change changing my distressing emotions. i have managed to take little risks with my therapist, though. talked to him a little about shame. then i felt it. i really felt it. and he kind of leaned forward in his seat and just sat there with me for probably 20 or 30 seconds. felt a lot longer than that... but could have been a lot shorter than that i guess. but the point is that he just sat there with me. and i could tell that like how i was letting myself feel it (instead of pushing it away / dissociating from it)... he was letting himself feel it too. he could have launched into why i felt ashamed and attempted to restructure my cognitions... he could have attempted to change the topic... but he didn't. he felt it too. and then... it felt more manageable somehow. like i didn't need to be afraid. 'cause he wouldn't have done that if it was unsafe.

i think that is the most healing thing in the world. its okay to have those feelings. its okay to feel those feelings. therapist isn't scared of them. therapist is willing to walk with us. it feels a bit safer. feels a bit more like my feelings aren't unacceptable and repulsive after all.

some people feel unsafe with virtual hugs. i'm sorry, i should have asked whether it was okay for me to do that. hugs only if it feels safe for you. k?