Although I do wish for death, I will not act on it. However, I find it very odd. I want to die, but I don't feel that depressed. Sometimes I even feel fine and still want to die. Compared to the posts that I've seen on this forum, I am not as badly off as most people here. Recently it has gotten worse, but I don't get multiple panic attacks in a day, just a few per week and not that severe either. I am able to get myself out of bed and go to school as I'm supposed to and I have a good stable life and family. There aren't people constantly telling me how worthless I am or anything and yet I still feel this way. Although I have a good situation in life, I still am quite depressed and randomly anxious. I have growing concentration issues and, as most of you are quite familiar, very low self-esteem as well as low energy. I can just barely get by though, I haven't broken down (yet).

Sometimes, I hope that I'm somehow "special" because I'm depressed, anxious and possibly bpd, but I know logically that I'm not... There are many people who are much worse than I....

Even though my situation is not as bad as those who have gone through abuse or trauma, I find myself hoping that my depression and anxiety will get worse so that I'll have enough reason and motivation to act upon my desire for death. A small part of me wants to get better mentally to go and do ... Whatever enjoying life is supposed to be like. Most of me just wants to die but I don't have the feelings to support this thought. Then I feel like an ungrateful person for not appreciating what I have, and then thinking that being such an ungrateful person, I should just go die, and this type of thought just cycles around endlessly. I almost wonder if this wish isn't caused by depression since I'm not feeling as down as I could be (or am I just suppressing all those feelings....?). On a scale of one to ten, if one is my lowest mood and ten is my highest (which is neutral), then I'm usually at a four.

I don't take any medication and I don't have a therapist. If I have time, I might go to the university counseling services for a session or two.

Does anyone else feel this way? It seems like my depression is a result of these suicidal thoughts now.... I just find myself always wishing that an accident will happen that will have me as the "unfortunate" victim of fate wherever I am.

Thank you for reading to this point! I very much appreciate any comments ~