i'm meant to see my therapist this friday. he has had a month off. but i'm meant to see my therapist this friday. i was tossing up not going. because i was feeling really hurt and abandoned. because he had a month off, yeah. but also because he said he would email me and then he didn't really because he turned out to be a lot busier than he expected to be.

part of me... feels so very hurt and sad and frightened and alone. alone...

part of me... feels abandoned. and mad. really mad that he did that. and wants to hurt him. wants to make him feel bad so he never does that again.

part of me... is indifferent. no point going back. don't really want anything to do with him now. caring withdrawn.

and i...

i want to be mature about this.

to be able to tell him about the little kid feelings in a way that isn't dismissive of them but also in a way that isn't trying to hurt him / make him feel bad and isn't LIKELY to result in his feeling hurt / bad.

i don't know if i can.

but i really really want to try.

i want to get better. i want to be better. i wish i was a better person. healthier. i want to be a good person. i really really really really do.

but... i don't know if i can.