> Does anybody else ever feel like they don’t fit in? Why? Do you still feel that way? How did you “fix” it?

oh yes indeed. all my life i've felt like i was on the outside looking in.

i was taken out of my mothers care when i was 14. after my dad left my mother was on welfare, so i understand being really really poor. she was abusive. was in a home until i was 16 then the govt gave me a 'student allowance' so i could live independently and still go to school.

i went to uni from school and i started to feel... like things clicked with me a little better. i could do the work. thats what i mean. i got good grades and it really helped with my self esteem and stuff. but i did feel different from other people. i didn't really have anything to do with my family. we were on welfare when i was a kid. my parents really didn't give a %#@&#! about me. the others were typically more... from supportive professional families i guess.

then i got depressed. ended up spending 2 years more as an inpatient than an outpatient. moved from there to supported accomodation. part of the 'deinstitutionalisation' thing. started back at uni. felt very much like i wasn't meant to be there. was terrified that people from uni would find out that i had been in a mental institution and would find out that i was currently living in supported accom.

then went and did some drug rehab...

then went back to uni. grad student. tutoring. every now and then would have to take time off and go to hospital. my little secret. the 'supportive professional family' thing gets even truer once you hit grad school huh. makes it hard, yeah. so... three major secrets: mental health, history of drug abuse, abusive parents.

then i needed to apply to PhD programs. i was concerned... was going to apply internationally, you see. i was concerned... about treatment options in other countries. i sent an email... to someone at harvard who was in the dep of psychiatry and had written a lot on BPD (my current dx). i told her that i was considering applying to the US and was trying to find out what treatment options might be available to a doctoral student with health insurance.

her reply was basically to the effect that someone with borderline personality disorder should NOT be applying to do a PhD and that there would NOT be adequate facilities. the implication was very strongly that it would be unethical to apply because it would be very unlikely that i would complete.

%#@&#! *****.

i struggled with that a great deal.

in the end... you know what??? i applied anyway. and i'm %#@&#! well doing it. against the odds i have found a good therapist in the country i'm in now. against the odds i'm %#@&#! doing it. do i feel out of place??? abso&%@*inglutely. how well can i get on with the visiting professors from ivy league schools trying to assertain your ivy league connections? (my undergrad institution was not highly ranked). with the conversations with the students and proffs that involve their talking about going to rome or india or europe for summer break? the social chit chat can be hard... i'm not very used to it. you know... some people are snobby wankers... but for the mostpart... people are well intentioned. and they want you to like them. everyone is insecure in their own special way.

about half the grad students in the department here have some history of mental illness. depression. feelings of inferiority and inadequacy. egos are fragile. even the big name proffs... egos are fragile. people just want some kindness and some smiles... they just want to basically feel okay.

it is hard. %#@&#! hard. but you ARE doing it. getting near the end of masters... is %#@&#! hard. really very stressful. but you ARE doing it. there is some truth to 'fake it till you make it'. you don't feel like you fit in sometimes... EVERYBODY feels like that at times.

guess what sweetie... you ARE doing it. you DO fit in.

hang in there.

i hope you feel better soon.